k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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