Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
