i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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