At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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