Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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