Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
