broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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