Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
