Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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