I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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