New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
