Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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