Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
