Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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