I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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