Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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