Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
