names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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