my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
