she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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