I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
