i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
