dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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