I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
