Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize