We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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