he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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