I looked at my own cervix.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize