Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
