I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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