Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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