Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
