Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
