dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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