It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
