I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
