omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
