She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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