I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
