Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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