I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
