You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How external is "for external use only"?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
