I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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