I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
two words: eviction party
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is Oprah even human
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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