Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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