i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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