everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
not ubering you a puppy
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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