I think my fart just growled at me.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
