Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
