It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
