Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
