Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
