Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
