I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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