Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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