I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
