god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
