Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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