I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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